Afwife's Weblog

A Little About My Early Life….

afwife — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 19:35:53 +0000

I have been thinking about my life lately…about my past and my family. People always wonder why I am the way I am. I didn’t grow up in a happy home my mother left when I was 5, my father was really young and couldn’t take care of me and my siblings there were 3 altogether. They abused alcohol and drugs and were selfish in their own ways. My grandmother took us in and raised us. She is my angel she has always been my Mommy in my heart. I never really understood how my Mother could have just left us. Expecially now with me being a Mom I couldn’t never leave my children like she did. I didn’t see my mother again till I was 13 she never said “I am sorry” for abandoning us. Till this day she acts like she never left though still till this day I have met her only 3 times that I remember. She still drinks and I believe she has no sense in how the world works. Talking to her is like talking to a 14 year old girl, she has never had a job and dropped out before high school. She is uneducated and can’t spell or read let alone hold a conversation. I get so irritated by that fact that when we talk about me it’s so uncomfortable because she doesn’t accknowledge the fact that I am successful even with everything against me. My childhood sucked we were really poor and never had anything. My grandma pretty much work two jobs to take care of us and provided us with the neccesities that I will forever be greatful for.

When I was young I closed up, no one really knew the real me…..even my family I always had a wall built up always scared to get hurt. You know what do you do when the people that were suppose to love you the most abandoned you??? I still have problems expressing my feelings toward people even my husband because I am afriad.

My life has made me become the strong person that I am. My life has taught me how to be a better Mother to my children. I want to be able to give my children the things that I did not have. I have had to learn as I go when it comes to Motherhood because I had no mother to learn from. Thank god it came naturally to me….

Monday…..blah!

afwife — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 20:25:07 +0000

Today I feel blah…..that is the best way to describe it. I had a lovely weekend except I feel like I lost a really close friend. We argued about something really ridiculous and I don’t even know why our conversation went wrong. She told me that my life right now is too much for her to handle and to call her when I got my life together. I can’t even believe that a true friend would say such a thing. I don’t care how bad any of my friends were doing I would still be there for them no matter what. It’s crazy because this is the friend that said she loves me because I don’t judge but then turns around and judges me. If someone can’t be there at your worst then they shouldn’t be in your life at your best that is what I have always said…..

Waking up today…..

afwife — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:57:35 +0000

Just when I almost lost hope, I woke up this morning and realized that I need to grow from what I have been through this last past week. My world seemed to crumbling but all is not lost, I have hope that our love will grow and become stronger. We still have love and passion for each other, we have to rebuild trust. It won’t be easy for us to move through this because of all the hurt and pain I feel. You broke your promise never to hurt me, but I know your sorry I see the pain in your eyes from seeing me cry. We need each other and we need our family we have worked so hard to build. I am really hoping and I believe that we can have what we did before you hurt me, or even that we may have something better…….thank you for reading!

Today….a little better!

afwife — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 16:31:22 +0000

Today I woke up and I felt a little better. I was able to actually get up and not cry. I got ready to go to work, I decided in my heart to try to work it out with my husband, I listened to this song by Keyshia Coles yesterday it was called “Work it Out” and it made sense, because I can’t just let go of the only love I have ever known. If it doesn’t work out in the long run then I know that I gave it my all, no matter how much it hurts. I know my husband is sorry for what he did and he is ashamed, he can’t believe he changed the way that I see him now. He tells me that he hates himself because when he looks into my eyes he sees what he did to me inside…I can’t just let it go because we have something that both of us wants and has never had. I can’t walk away from the only love I have ever known…

Here are the lyrics to “Work It Out”, Keyshia Coles is my faviorite singer she has a soulfull and real voice that moves me. Everything she has been through makes her so real and strong.

“Work It Out”

(Aye aye)
Damn, I’m sorry you had to find out like that.
(Aye aye)
Wait a minute.
Can we talk a minute?
Ohhh….
I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

[Verse 1:]
There’s this guy I’ve been seeing, hold on though.
Everytime I close my eyes he’s in my thoughts.
We’ve been going through it for some time now.
It ain’t my fault, no.
I’m just tryna be truthful to you.
And let you know.

[Chorus:]
Everytime I try to leave something always tells me no.
And just when I think it’s working it’s self out… can’t be so.
Everything we worked so hard for, should we let it go?
It’s no fair to leave without tryna work it out.

[Verse 2:]
And there’s someone else you’ve been seeing.
I ain’t a fool, no.
And it’s been going on for some time now.
It’s so obvious.
Now she’s been taking my place some of the time that you’ve been gone, yeah.
Oh, I want you be to truthful to me yeah and let me know.

[Chorus:]
Everytime I try to leave something always tells me no. (I try to leave, I try to leave)
And just when I think it’s working it’s self out it can’t be so. (Aye aye, oh)
Everything we worked so hard for, should we let it go? (Aye, oh, yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah)
It’s no fair to leave without tryna work it out. (Without yeah)
And I know, Oh…

[Bridge:]
I know sometimes it can get rough.
It means so much when it comes to us.
I can’t just walk away from the only thing I know.
(The only thing I know)
Tell me if you think it’s worth working out.
I’ll be right here if you have no doubt.
(No doubt)
We can make it cuz…

[Chorus:]
Everytime I try to leave something always tells me no. (Everytime I, it tell me so baby)
And just when I think it’s working it’s self out… can’t be so. (Aye aye)
Everything we worked so hard for, should we let it go? (We’ve worked so hard for yeah, yeah, yeah)
It’s no fair to leave without tryna work it out.

Why Do I Need You…

afwife — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 15:30:58 +0000

Why do I need you,

In my life,

Why do I need you,

In my bed,

Why do I need you,

By my side,

Why do I need you,

When you made me cry,

Why do I feel that you’re the only one,

Who can cure my hurt,

When you’re the one who broke my heart,

Why can I just let go of you,

How can I just love you that much,

Today is a bad day….

afwife — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 15:19:22 +0000

Actually today I am having a really bad day, I just keep thinking about what you did with that girl. It’s just really bad because I feel like your thinking about her all the time because you were so infatuated with her. I keep comparing her to me and I know that I am not in the best shape….and she probably was your ideal woman. You couldn’t just walk away from her you fell for her I know you did. I can feel it, you for days talking to her consoling her and caring about her not me at all. It just hurts and I don’t want you to think that everything is ok. It’s not I am still hurting every time I think, it’s on my mind all the time. I sit here and think what the hell does he want from me and the only thing I can come up with is the kids. If you truly were in love with me I would be on your mind and in your heart at all times just how you are in mine. But I wasn’t at all last week. I look through my emails and my phone and realized you never really called or emailed like you use to, you were to obsessed with her. It just hurts so much to know that you put her first after everything we have been through together and what we have you never thought of me. You can sit there and say that you think I am sexy and beautiful but in all reality I can’t believe that. All you thought about last week was her, never me….so how am I to believe that you think of me like that. I feel numb today, I feel so weak and stupid. I feel like I am not sure of anything of where I might be in life, who would be there for me. I can’t even imagine me and you being together till we are old because I don’t think you love me that much. The first piece of ass you get a chance in having you might get your moment of weakness again. You felt so sorry for her over what she has been through in her life, but what about mine you know what I have gone through and how it still hurts me but there it is again you never thought about me. You hurt me more but what can I expect my life has been a rollercoaster of hurt and disappointment, I should have expected it. I trusted you and I thought that you would be the one person who truly loved me, the one person who wouldn’t hurt me. You did not once but twice, over what nothing…..I can’t believe that she was nothing to you she was everything at the time. You didn’t cheat on my once but twice….if she didn’t go crazy would there have been a second, third or fourth we will never know because you didn’t tell me out of guilt you told me because I was going to find out anyways. I am going against what I believe in by staying with you, I feel like a hypocrite.

I know your trying to be super nice and loving but it’s sad that this is what it takes. I don’t know if you truly know what you almost lost. I don’t even think you know what you had. Your a great father and husband and that is what is keeping me here. I love you so much but I can’t even look at you the same, all I see is you kissing and making love to that girl. Just the thought of you talking to her on the phone and emailing her makes me so sad…..I am so confused I want to believe that you will never do this but I can’t. I want to believe that you love me like you say you do but still I can’t. I want to believe that we will be happy but I can’t.

Can I ….

afwife — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 18:53:42 +0000

Can I ….

Can I get through this pain,

This feeling of betrayal,

This feeling of sadness,

This feeling of heart ache,

Can you mend my heart,

I want to move on,

I want to grow,

I want to be happy,

I want to trust you,

I want to believe again,

Can I look at you the same,

Can I look into your eyes,

Can I hug you without thinking of her,

Can I make love to you without wondering,

If your thinking of her,

Why did this happen,

Why did this happen to me,

Why did I give you the power to hurt me,

Why did I give you my everything,

Was my everything not good enough,

Was my love not good at all,

Was it the way I looked at all,

Was it that you stopped loving me,

Was it that she was just more then me,

You say you love me,

You say you need me,

You say you can’t live without me,

You forgot about me,

Forgot about the life we made,

Forgot about the promises you made,

Forgot about our vows,

our love, our family

How can I get throught this,

What You’ve Done

afwife — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 18:36:26 +0000

What You’ve Done

You found someone to make you smile,

You found someone to make you laugh,

You found someone to fantasize about,

You found someone that satisfied you,

You made her so important,

Nothing else matter because you had her,

Your lust for her outweighed anything,

She was much more then me,

In a matter of a few days,

You managed to risk it all,

For something you say never matter at all,

I don’t understand why?

Was it that I never meant anything?

Was it that I never gave you what you need?

Was it that you never wanted to be with me?

Was it that I wasn’t attractive as she?

Was it that you couldn’t even think of me?

You’ll never truly understand what you have done,

To my heart, my life, my soul and love,

My image, my spirit, my mind

Everything is broken,

All that I have is to believe in you,

Believing in you is so hard,

Believing that you love me,

Believe that you will put me first,

Do I have the strength to forgive?

Do I have the strength to live with you betrayal,

Do I have the love in my heart for you,

After you broke my world apart,

In my eyes all was lost in a sea of betrayal,

I swore I couldn’t take no more,

I just wanted to run,

Run away from you,

Why do I want to stay?

Why do I long for you to hold me?

Why do I feel like you’re the only one,

Who can fix my heart,

Why do I want to stand by you?

When you never stood by me,